SOUL - Searching

I question the word venerability. I have difficulty understanding what it means to be yourself. What is a “you” anyway? Science says we are made up trillions of bacteria (don’t take my word for it, I am terrible with numbers, but it's around trillions I am sure ☺). We have our DNA, and then each bacterium has its DNA. We are made up of trillions of DNA strands; trillions of possibilities to be a “you”. Who are you? Who decides that your personality is funny or serious? How do you become yourself?


I have been thinking over these questions all my life. I used to think of myself as one way, but the people around me would try and convince me that I am a different way. I would believe that I am curious and imaginative. Then, I would have been told that I am not interested in anything. I was interested in many things. I wasn’t interested in what the world around me wanted me to focus. It is a common misconception that a person doesn’t have hobbies or potential merely because they don’t match the societal expectations. It became the situation or if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree,…So it went that way. I believed my whole life that I wasn’t talented in anything because I wasn’t a natural businessperson.


That is an example. I feel like most of us are told to be a lawyer or a doctor. Magically, other life paths do not exist. I had no idea that creativity had its value. I did not know that I could be anything I wanted to be. Self – awareness was lacking. I did not know what I was or who I was. I was listening to the noise. Skills that brought financial value mattered. What does that even mean? What skills are those? So, like a fish, I desperately tried to climb ladders while I couldn’t breathe without water. Creativity was my waters. Imagination I couldn’t get away from. Spacing out into fairyland was a favourite activity of mine. You know what I heard? Focus and get down to earth. I never listened to what are you thinking? Write it down or draw a picture. Enjoy imagination.


It wasn’t the fault of the people around me. They meant well. They wanted me to survive in the harsh, cruel world they lived. I lived in a world full of kind people where everyone’s dreams come true. I was programmed to think that my world was fake. So, I tried to fit into the puzzle of the “real world”. There was no space there for me. I was never invited to the party to begin with. Without the art of any kind, my soul was dying. I knew I belonged somewhere else. Before I completely disappeared into the ether, I had to find my self on Earth. And so the soul-searching began.


Like hundredths and thousands of people, I have been told what I liked, what I wanted and what my personality consisted of all my life. I absorbed this information like a sponge, but the result was a distorted human being, a Picasso’s artwork, a girl who didn’t fit into the mold of her constructed identity. I am not complaining; I am telling you a story. If anything I am grateful. Now I can repaint this self into anything I would like it to be.


So how do you become venerable if you are not sure what you are? I guess you start by being honest that you haven’t completed the search of your soul. It’s a lifelong quest. It’s an exciting one at that. 

Anastasiia Ryzhkova